Resolving Interpersonal Conflict: The true value of the act of apologising

Since the start of this semester, I began to notice something peculiar. I have been apologising so often that I think the act has lost its meaning. As pointed out by one of the websites in the reading list, apologising directly for a mistake committed shows sign of taking responsibility for our actions. It can also improve our emotional intelligence as human beings are usually more willing to forgive and forget. However, this is not applicable in my case. I did not apologise to take responsibility for my own actions but rather, I used it to bring an end to all the conflicts. I shall use a personal conflict which I encountered a few days ago to illustrate my point.

I am a fourth year student majoring in Chemical Engineering and am currently engaging in my final year project (fyp). Unlike my other course mates who have postgraduates to guide them for the project, I do not have a postgraduate as a mentor for my project as the topic I am working on is in a totally new area. I am practically left on my own to solve all the problems which I encounter during the course of the project. Occasionally, I will seek help from my supervising professor when I am really desperate. I did not realize the impact of going “unsupervised” in the laboratory until a few days ago when I was trying to select a spot in the laboratory to culture my cells.

I approached one of the postgraduates to enquire on the use of one of the fumehood in the laboratory for culturing my cells. However, he expressed concern over the possibility of cross contamination of my work with others and recommended me to culture the cells using the biohazard fumehood which was being used by another postgraduate, Jessica. I thought it would be appropriate for me to consult Jessica for the use of the biohazard fumehood before I start culturing my cells. However, the outcome of my act of courtesy turned out to be pretty disastrous.

After I explained the purpose of my visit and that I was recommended by another postgraduate to consult her on the use of the biohazard fumehood, she began to fire me a series of questions which caught me off-guard. She began to ask me about my educational background, my experiences in cell culturing, the identity of the postgraduate supervising my project and the type of cells I am intending to culture. Her eyes were narrowed into a slit and there was a look of disapproval and disbelief when I told her that I am just an undergraduate with zero experience in microbiology and have no supervising postgraduate. After that, she began to lament about how my work can threaten the work of the rest and got a little worked up when she heard that I was contemplating of culturing cells in the biohazard fumehood as recommended by the other postgraduate. She practically stormed out of the room and had a mini confrontation with that postgraduate. After a few minutes, she returned and said that the postgraduate did not suggest that I go to the biohazard fumehood to culture my cells but rather, to conduct my other laboratory work there. After she completed her sentence, I apologized immediately by explaining that I may have made a wrong interpretation of his suggestion.

I related the incident to my sister and she thought it was unnecessary for me to apologise since I was certain that I did not misinterpret the postgraduate’s suggestion. However, I had my reasons for doing so. Firstly, from Jessica’s first reaction, I could tell she was undergoing a lot of stress. Her stress level was out of control and that may be the reason why she kept interrupting me when I tried to explain my situation to her and that I will not start culturing cells until I have completed my training session. Secondly, although I tried to reassure her that I do understand the importance of good laboratory practices in order not to jeopardize the work of others and using non-verbal communication techniques such as “uh-huh” to tell her that I understand her concerns, I was unable to calm her down. She seemed to be under the impression that I am a potential danger to her work and was not in the least receptive to any of my explanations. Thirdly, she seemed to think that I was trying to defend myself by saying that it was another postgraduate who suggested using the biohazard fumehood and even went to confront that postgraduate. At that point in time, I thought no amount of explanation would suffice and that the conflict would escalate if I did not apologise as she is a pretty persistent person and her emotions seemed to be spinning out of control. In addition, I thought it would be easier for me to approach her for help the next time if I did not defend myself.

My apology was worthless but was useful in this incident as it brought an end to this conflict. However, I wonder whether there are better alternative solutions to handle this kind of conflict.

Importance of effective communication

When was the last time you paid close attention to your facial features? Certainly, I am not referring to the time you stared hard into the mirror to examine those nasty dark circles or extra growth such as wrinkles and pimples. I am referring to the time you really examined your facial features. If you do a close examination of your facial features, you will be surprised to realize that many of our facial features actually come in pairs. For example, you have a pair eyes, a pair of eyebrows and a pair of nostrils. However, you will also discover something peculiar, you only have one mouth. Human beings are created in such a way that we have a pair of ears but only one mouth. The reason for this peculiar phenomenon is simple: we need to listen more and talk less. Hence, we should practise active listening more and learn the art of effective communication.

I would like to use an example to highlight the importance of active listening and effective communication. One day, I asked my mother in an indifferent manner whether she was going to fix dinner that evening. Before I could even finish the sentence, she responded in an impatient manner, “If you are not interested to have dinner at home, you do not need to come home for dinner anymore in the future”. In the end, this casual conversation ended off on an unpleasant note. This sounds like a normal tiff between a mother and her daughter. However, this tiff actually brings out the barriers to active listening and effective communication.

Firstly is the adoption of an inappropriate tone and language expression which led to poor non-verbal communication. Should I have adopted a more appropriate tone right from the start; my mother would not have misunderstood my intention. In addition, my mother has also chosen to use inappropriate language expression like, “If you are not interested to have dinner at home, you do not need to come home for dinner anymore in the future”. The original message which she wanted to send was that it is alright for me to miss dinner at home if I am busy. As a result, her message did not reflect the ideas and thoughts which she actually thought.

Secondly is the inability to practice active listening by interrupting the speaker. My mother should have allowed me to complete my sentence. I was intending to bring her out for dinner if she was not going to fix dinner that night. However, she did not give me the opportunity to convey my message completely. Therefore, she did not manage to get my whole message and distorted my message completely.

Lastly is the failure to understand the audience of the message. Both of us have failed to recognise that even members of the same family can come from different background and hence, they can have different interpretation of the same message conveyed. We should have taken the opportunity to check on the understanding of the message delivered by one another to clarify any misunderstanding or confusion but have failed to do so.

The above example has shown that the lack of active listening and effective communication can be detrimental to any form of relationships. By equipping ourselves with good active listening and effective communication skills not only will enable us to secure job employment, compete effectively in workplace and have better career progression, communication breakdown and in turn, strains on any form of relationships can also be avoided. Hence, we should utilize more of our ears and less of our mouth in order to be a better communicator and have higher productivity and better relationships.

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